An anonymous Redditor has questioned whether he can ask his brother not to bring his boyfriend to his wedding – but the story’s not what you think.
The question was posed in Reddit’s ‘Am I The Asshole” (AITA) subreddit, in which 1.2 million followers discuss ethical and social dilemmas.
Like many posts in the subreddit, the title only scratches the surface of the story.
The poster said: “My brother is gay, but my family doesn’t know, only me and my parents know.
“My brother has been dating his bf for 6 months now, the dude is great, I’m so happy my brother found a great guy. But it’s kind of a secret, as he hasn’t told my family he is gay.”
He explains that they come from “a very old school traditional family” in which some relatives still hold anti-gay views.
Nevertheless, he encouraged his brother to come out, as the sooner these views were exposed, “the sooner we can cut them from our lives.”
But when his brother indicated that he wanted to come out by bringing his new boyfriend to the wedding, alarm bells started ringing.
“If it was any other occasion I would be supportive obviously, but I don’t think my wedding day is the day to do that,” the groom said.
“Imagine all the drama and gossip and bullsh*t that would happen. And I don’t want to get the attention away from my fiancée, that’s her day.
“And I don’t wanna have to worry about that on my wedding day, and I think it’s a pretty good reason.”
The brother said he wanted “to celebrate love with the two people he loves the most,” but the groom noted that the wedding is “supposed to be a celebration, not a family fight.”
He asks the internet: “Am I the asshole for handling it the way I did?”
While no family drama is ever cut and dried, the general consensus from fellow Redditors was that a wedding is not the time to come out.
“God I’m queer and I gotta say, a sibs wedding would NOT be the place to trot out that bit of my life,” one poster writes.
Another agrees: “Almost all wedding etiquette comes down to ‘don’t upstage the couple.’”
And one suggested: “I think brother wants to piggyback on the wedding to use it as a distraction tool. He comes to the wedding with his bf, family is shocked, but can’t really deal with/react to the issue because wedding, so impact for him is softened.
“He’s relying on social politeness norms to sneak in a heavy topic.”
But one person offers an insightful view on the situation, along with a helpful suggestion about how to move forward:
“It sounds like your brother really values your protection and support about this issue. I wonder if part of why he is having this admittedly bad idea is because he feels that if he comes out on ‘your’ turf, and you show support for him, it will protect him and make letting the broader family know easier.
“Maybe you could suggest hosting a party or event soon where he could bring his boyfriend to? That way he gets to feel supported and protected by you, but not take up your and your fiancee’s wedding day.”
Fingers crossed the two brothers find a solution before the big day.