Are you guys ready for Real Housewives of Orange County? They filmed this season during a pandemic, y’all! They came to play and not even Kelly Dodd’s idiotic coronavirus comments could derail this train. So let’s dive in and see what these over-ripe oranges are up to.
We open up with a really ominous beach scene because what is more ominous than Newport Beach. Newport Beach, new cast members, new beginnings, new hips for Emily Simpson. New new new. Everything that you want to see in a fresh season of Real Housewives. And not a Vicki Gunvalson or Tamra Judge in sight.
Let’s join Shannon Beador at her new house with her new man, John Janssen. Shannon is really working overtime to make us all believe how happy she is. Their romance started innocently enough. Someone introduced them, they did karaoke, and have been together ever since. He hasn’t officially moved into her new house yet and thank god for that. Because if he did, he would surely make her remove that giant oil painting of her face hanging in her gym. Why she needs to stare at her own smudged face while working out will probably remain a mystery.
What’s not a mystery is that Shannon is HAPPY. And don’t you dare tell her otherwise. You want to know how happy she is? They have silly string fights with all their kids. For no apparent reason other than there are cameras around and Shannon wants to make sure her ex-husband sees this. He might have a fiancé and a baby on the way but she’s got The Brady Bunch at her beach house. Long gone are Shannon’s days of puttering around the kitchen making quinoa while David Beador eats chips in her face. Revenge is a dish served better with silly string apparently.
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We now join Kelly driving around with her fiancé, Rick Leventhal and Jolie in a baby turd colored G Wagon. Ugh. Money can’t buy you class, amirite? To make matters worse, they are all headed to a psychic so Kelly can see how many stupid comments are in her future. According to the psychic, her relationship is hot and passionate. Ummm, we know. Kelly won’t shut up about it. But, Kelly is excited because Rick is definitely the one. Even though she said that about the last guy last season. The one that she is now telling us that Jolie hated but she decided to date anyway. Oh, that Kelly. She will practically fist fight Vicki in her daughter’s name but won’t break it off with some dork who lived downstairs like a bad Three’s Company reboot.
We now get to meet the newest housewife, Elizabeth Lyn Vargas. If Erika Jayne is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, and cash…..then Elizabeth is a mystery, wrapped in a puzzle, wrapped in much more cash. As in, billionaire cash, baby! She’s a soon to be ex-wife of a billionaire and she is not going to let us forget it. It’s true, she talks about it A LOT.
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We are treated to a montage of all things cool and rich she did in her life, like going golfing and drinking champagne on jets. But all that champagne clearly didn’t teach her how to pop a cork because the first thing she does when Braunwyn Windham-Burke and Kelly come over for a visit is pop one right off Braunwyn’s face. Ouch. Braunwyn takes it like a champ and they have a nice lunch, punctuated by Elizabeth’s neighbor dropping off a crock pot via bicycle. You know, as rich people do.
But Elizabeth is even more of a mystery when we learn that 1) her boyfriend won’t have sex with her and 2) she grew up “garbage can poor”. Mysterious indeed. Elizabeth has the face of a baby and the style of a “garbage can” Dorit Kemsley if we are being honest. But she also has a good heart and is using some of her hard earned cash to start a dog rescue or something noble. She wants to break out of the shadow of being a billionaire’s wife and get back to being herself. Hey, I don’t know anything about what that would be like but you could always start by not mentioning you’re a billionaire’s wife in every other sentence.
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Ready to zone out for a second? Good, me too and here’s your chance. Emily and husband, Shane Simpson are still together. They go out to dinner for their anniversary and Emily shows us just how happy they are by ordering a bread basket this time. AND EATING IT. You showed us, Emily. Who needs marriage counseling when your husband could just fail the bar for the third time and come crawling back to your arms after making a complete ass out of himself on national TV? Moving on before I nod off.
It’s time for peace in the OC. And who is going to broker that peace but Braunwyn. She’s probably used to keeping the peace with all those kids. So Shannon walks over from her silly string stupor and the two of them get to talking in Braunwyn’s new house. A house that features a nightclub in the basement and a pirate ship out back. Idk what the nightclub is for but I strongly suspect that pirate ship is full of buried treasure in the form of husband Sean Burke’s medallion necklaces.
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So after a talk with Shannon, Braunwyn decides that they must invite Kelly over and start a convo. Kelly was recently at hot yoga talking shit with Gina Kirschenheiter but never mind, Kelly is down because you know, filming and all. But for the sake of playing along, let’s just go with they really just want to be friends again.
Kelly and Shannon are at Braunwyn’s for their peace talks. The nightclub remains unused because they meet in the kitchen. What a missed opportunity since the sign in the nightclub reads “Cheers to bad decisions”. Bad decisions like starting the convo with a round of shots. Mid convo, things start to get heated and Kelly wanders off to the bathroom. By the time she gets back, Shannon apologizes and Kelly apologizes for hurting Shannon in the midst of trying to get to Tamra. Braunwyn, thinking her deed is done, gets excited because now they all live in the same neighborhood and she hasn’t been on housewives long enough to realize this truce will last one episode.
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Now over to Gina, who I have been sorely neglecting on purpose. She’s with her nerdy/sexy (her words) boyfriend, Travis Mullen. Who is just so nerdy and sexy he can’t stop busting in on her taped confessionals. They go to her attorney and she’s working on getting divorced. With her new boyfriend sitting there while she hashes it out. Awkward! But it seems to work for these two so fine. The bottom line from the visit is that Gina thinks things are going better and Travis butts in too much. There’s your take away. Be careful, Gina. Your divorce is yours and your new man should just focus on being your new man. He needs to stay in his nerd lane.
Finally, Emily and Braunwyn get together and hash out their issues. Apparently, Emily tried to tell Braunwyn she had a problem with drinking and Braunwyn wasn’t able to receive it. So she pushed Emily out. Braunwyn admits that she probably shouldn’t ever drink again and that’s her goal since she’s had so many problems with it. Then she comes out and says it: “I’m Braunwyn and I’m an alcoholic.”
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That’s the note we end on. Which is neither funny, nor snarky but very sincere. And maybe that’s just what we needed for this episode of Real Housewives of Orange County. See you next week!
TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY SEASON 15 PREMIERE? DO YOU LIKE THE NEW HOUSEWIFE ELIZABETH? DO YOU THINK SHANNON HAS FOUND HAPPINESS? WHAT DID YOU THINK OF BRAUNWYN’S REVELATION?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]