Steven was struggling to figure out if he was “the a**hole”. (Envato)
A man who donated sperm to his lesbian best friend to help her start a family with her wife, says his girlfriend is now inexplicably jealous.
The sperm donor, Steven, posted his dilemma on the sub-Reddit “Am I the A*shole?” which describes itself as “a catharsis for the frustrated moral philosopher in all of us, and a place to finally find out if you were wrong”.
Steven said he had known his best friend Brenda since they were children, and when she was ready to start a family with her wife, they asked him to be the sperm donor.
He wrote: “They wanted someone they trusted rather than a stranger and who’d be there when their child started to have questions about their donor.
“I was honoured that they thought of me and agreed to do it. It felt good to help people I care about start their own family.”
Steven has a close relationship with his friend’s daughter.
Around a year later, when Steven was in his late twenties, Brenda gave birth to baby Lucy.
“Since she was born, I’ve always been present in her life and we have a great uncle/niece type relationship,” he said.
“The three of us have been happy with how things are and they’re glad I’m close with Lucy… while she knows I ‘helped’ build their family, I’m still Uncle Steven to her.”
Lucy is now six years old, and Steven has been with his current girlfriend for three years.
But at Lucy’s sixth birthday party, his girlfriend began acting strange.
He wrote: “After cake was cut, we all started taking pictures. I told my girlfriend to come so we both could get one with Lucy but she said ‘no’….We talked after we got home and she said she didn’t feel comfortable with me seeing Lucy anymore because it still felt weird that I donated sperm and now I’m playing a role in her life when donors don’t do that.”
“This was a shock to me because she never brought it up before.”
Usually when a sperm donor is used, there are two options: an anonymous donor and a known donor. Many families choose to ask a known donor to remain part of their child’s life, and many do not.
At one point she asked if we slept together and came up with this donor idea to cover the fact that I knocked her up.
Steven and his girlfriend ended up having a “huge fight” when he insisted he was not going to stop seeing his lifelong best friend and her daughter.
His girlfriend felt it was “unfair that she has to share me with someone who’s not my legal responsibility”, Steven said.
Then things took an even weirder turn: “At one point she asked if Brenda and I slept together and came up with this donor idea to cover the fact that I knocked her up, and that’s why I’m involved.
“I get we were both angry but asking that was out of line. I told her I’ll never cut off my relationship with them and left our apartment.”
He continued: “To her, it’s unreasonable to choose a kid that’ll never truly be mine over her… I feel bad that she feels this way, but it seems like she’s not being fair either. It’s been rough and I don’t know who’s right or wrong.”
Luckily Reddit users were quick to reassure Steven that he was most definitely “not the a*shole”, and advised him to “start running”.
One wrote: “She’s asking him to choose? Why? Anyone who thinks you can only give attention and love to them and no one else is not worth your time.
“A decent person would see your relationship with your friend, and your involvement with the kid, and think it was a good thing. They’d see a kind, caring person who stepped up for his friends.
“But this gal sees it as competition. Not a good sign.”
One commenter pointed out the obvious: “It’s not like he’s deciding that he doesn’t want kids just because he’s an uncle.”
“You need to have a talk with her and find out if she was having a tantrum or if she really expects you to punish an innocent six-year-old for existing,” advised another.