Real Housewives Of New York Recap: Hamptons Hot Mess

God bless Real Housewives Of New York. Seriously. This show is the gift that keeps on giving and giving and giving, like Sonja Morgan‘s vagina after a couple shots. And Sexy J really went to 11 yesterday.

With the Blue Stone Manor under construction the ladies are in the Hamptons bedding down at Ramona Singer‘s palatial abode. Too bad Luann de Lesseps was still shunted into the finished basement. Still a basement is a basement is a basement with spiders, and smelling a bit like must and dog piss. Which incidentally is probably the scent of the perfume Sonja is bottling as part of her lifestyle collection. After a miserable night Luann bailed to visit her chiropractor while the rest of the ladies hit up a vineyard.

Luann is the tempest in the third floor, and must’ve caused an awful storm to reflect her mood because it was overcast, raining, and gloomy. Ramona decided the theme of this trip is bonding, so she turns a boozy lunch into the opportunity to interrogate everyone about their deepest fears and insecurities. It’s mostly because she wants Tinsley Mortimer to spill the beans, but Tinsley has been around this town and this circuit longer than anyone. Truthfully, because she was born in it and it’s simply not that easy to upend the Tinz.

Ramona cries about seeing visions of her mother on the highway (did someone put peyote in her vodka?) and Dorinda Medley bawls about feeling so alone and unsupported in the great remodel of 2019, but Tinz shrugs that she’s been dating this new guy – also in Chicago – who has 3 kids, and 2 ex-wives, and about 2000 friends which means she’s the basement to his life when she should be the penthouse. Leah McSweeney is the only one who’s heard The Saga Of Bruce, and tells the other ladies that he’s essentially a fuck boy. Has Tinsley slept with him? Probably not. Since she hates the name Bruce, and also it appears she’s never been alone with him.

Sonja has never heard the term “fuck boy” and mistakes it for a compliment. When Tinsley is done with Bruce, she’ll take him off her hands. Bruce is the new Tom is the new Harry! Speaking of they were all drinking something called a Tom and Rose which looked delicious, but all I could think was ‘more Tom…!” The horror. Tinsley does finally admit that she doesn’t want to date a man with children because that likely means she won’t have her own. Also while Ramona and Dorinda may feel alone, at least they’ve accomplished motherhood and can check it off their list. So Tinsley apparently sees motherhood as an agenda item to plow through in between getting a facial and hitting St. Tropez.

Leah redeems herself for having tattoos when she lays her millennial self bare by not having any qualms about sharing her past or her secrets. Leah went to rehab after high school and was so destructive that her parents actually sent her to a halfway house in a nunnery rather than having her return home. It seemed harsh, but it was the push she needed to develop self-confidence and perseverance. Dang.

When it’s Sonja’s turn to share she just rambles incoherently about the Brazilian soccer team that discovered bikini waxes and changed her life so now she’s partnering with them to offer a checkerboard pattern wax, but it’s all so difficult to have dogs.

After trying not to drink Leah lasted 2 days with this Motley Crue before she lost her resolve and hit the bottle. Luann is disappointed. She assumed she had found a sober companion in Leah. At least Leah understands Luann’s predicament in skipping lunch. While the other women mocked her as probably being out on her boat (in a wind storm? ) rather than hanging out with them, Leah points out that since Lu is sober she might not want to enjoy an afternoon at the vineyard watching everyone get wasted. This has never dawned on Ramona, Sonja, or Dorinda who seemed shocked to even consider this thought…

Then Ramona jets off on a mysterious errand. Ostensibly to see the house of John Ferrell, a developer pal of Donald Trump‘s who is allowing Ramona to host an intimate party at his $39.9 million dollar mansion. How… gauche.

Everyone else heads back to Ramona’s to freshen up but Sonja keeps drinking… and drinking… and drinking. By the time Luann returns to head to the party, Sonja is trashed and wearing a too tight dress with lopsided eyelashes and matted hair. She looks not unlike Coco.

Ramona is wearing this lemon yellow muumuu, which barely covers her giant knockers. It’s cougars on crack, and looks like it came from Kyle Richard‘s kaftan collection. It was the very opposite of chic. That doesn’t stop her from complaining about Luann’s on-trend floral maxi with white ankle boots.

Sonja, Luann, Leah, and Tinsley all ride together, and as they’re parked outside, waiting for the valet to scan their IDs or something, Sonja wonders if they’ll even be allowed in given that they’re all hardened criminals with mug shots. It was a moment of sheer hilarity, and that is why I love this show and love Sonja. I’m also really coming to appreciate Leah!

Ramona has gotten it up her bonnet that she is the hostess of this fancy to-do and now must act the part of a high society lady. Do they have their tits hanging out of a pool coverup? Sonja is affronted by Ramona putting on airs. She’s tired of Ramona ditching her real friends to social climb. It’s an argument they’ve been having since the age of Aquarius. Sonja, once married to a billionaire, hates these stuffy affairs and pretentious boors, while Ramona, once married to a christian jewelry impresario and tennis buff, is desperate to break into this world. I’m with Sonja — what a dull, uptight party. And why was there a pre-set bar serving Titos? I mean I love Titos as much as the next girl but I don’t live in a $39.9 (or is it .8?) million dollar home!

So what does Sonja do to cope? She gets TRAAAAASHED. Leah is also unimpressed with this party and with Ramona’s sudden turn as tit-ular matron, condescending her guests. She is swanning around introducing people like she’s in the high court and snaps at Leah about chewing gum. Leah got so rattled by the sudden emergence of the crazy eyes that she swallowed her spearmint like a teenager caught misbehaving in church.

Then Tinsley and Leah scamper outside to laugh at what a loser Ramona is being. Tinsley is even more uncomfortable: she once went on a blind date with this Joe, but decided he wasn’t for her when he took to a basketball game and didn’t even buy her a hot dog. Also he once dated Bethenny Frankel and doesn’t drink, so, you know…. I agree with Tinsley’s standards! Furthermore Joe is flirting outrageously with Ramona, who doesn’t seem to realize he’s using her as an opportunity to showcase his house on Real Housewives Of New York. He’ll probably wind up on Million Dollar Listing next season represented by Fredrik Eklund.

Ramona’s ill-conceived flirting at least manages to interrupt the awkward and painful conversation Tinsley gets stuck having with Joe. Then Ramona declares that she’ll be taking everyone on a tour of the mansion. Leah is disgusted that a guy can be short, old, and boring yet still have women fawning over him. She’s in the wrong crowd for having morals.

Dorinda doesn’t want a tour. She finds Americans obsessions with showcasing their houses weird and gauche. Um, haven’t we seen every nook and cranny of Blue Stone Manor about 300 times? So after seeing the basement bowling alley (now that’s a basement!) most of the women bail out on the tour. Ramona, meanwhile, straight-up offers herself as a sex slave to Joe. Not kidding.

Upstairs, without Ramona breathing down her neck about decorum, Sonja proceeds to tip the Titos hard. She finds herself in a raging argument with Ramona’s friend Elyse Slaine. Elyse was once married to a very rich hedge fund guy and divorced well. She doesn’t consider herself a trophy wife because, um, … Well, it’s not really clear. Unlike Sonja who was clearly Mr. Morgan’s “accessory.” When Elyse issues this jab, Sonja loses it and starts screaming in her face that she wasn’t a trophy wife “because she didn’t shave her pussy.” She insists over and over that she was a “partner” in her marriage. Sure, keep telling yourself that, toaster oven girl! Sonja is so unhinged she tries to call Tinsley out for being a trophy wife, but Tinz married Topper, her high school sweetheart, and was his equal in breeding, background, and age. Not sure about assets.

I see why Elyse was relegated to ‘friend of,’ because instead of matching Sonja’s insanity she just meekly stepped back and tried to actually behave appropriately. Classy has no place here – even when Ramona is pretending it does! God, for Ramona to be lecturing anyone on how to behave when she was throwing herself so shamelessly at that bland milch of a loser who literally IS looking for his next trophy wife, gave me second hand embarrassment.

As the party winds down Sonja winds up, and winds up propositioning some 22-year-old who might have been Joe’s very amused son. Sonja is begging him to sleep with him and bragging of her amazing vagina in between telling Ramona that her rich friends probably aren’t actually rich. I mean, Sonja has moire silk wallpaper covered in mildew so she knows money! I see Sonja’s point though – she may have married fancy once, but now she lives in a 2 bedroom. She knew Ramona when and knows Ramona now, and Ramona should be too far into her advanced years to care about getting in with the ‘right crowd,’ who will never accept her anyway. Sonja learned that the hard way. Plus all those people were just hangers-on anyway.

But, seriously, how did we miss out on reality show of Sonja when she was married to a Morgan. I’d kill to see her entertaining royalty with a toaster oven. Mrs. Morgan Presents would have been comedy gold.

Finally Sonja is so out of hand Ramona decides the party is over. Ramona is mortified. Everyone is literally pulling Sonja out of the clutches of some random middle-aged guy whom she was trying to compare beer guts with. He was actually scared for his life. Leah is loving every minute. A naif in the ways of Sonja Snatched, she cannot stop laughing at the contrast between Sonja’s antics and this stuffy party. I love Leah’s approach as the kind of wry narrator to how pathetically entranced in delusions these Upper East Side wannabe grand dames are.

Just when we think the biggest drama will be Sonja falling on Coco, it’s the next morning and Dorinda awakes Ramona with an alarming text: Luann has left the building! At 1 am Luann fled bacuse she couldn’t take another minute of being abandoned in the basement fending off the spiders and fumes. Luann resents being last on the totem pole and felt left out.

Instead of over-reacting, the suddenly mature, classy socialite Ramaona picks up the phone and leaves Luann a heartfelt (for her) apology, insisting she never meant to slight her. Dorinda is less polite about it, pointing out that Luann always has a problem with any and every room no matter where they stay. She’d be nitpicking Buckingham Palace, ala Meghan Markel spritzing a musty chapel with air freshener on her wedding day.

Sonja is also affronted by Luann’s arrogance. Waking up from her drunken slumber, like the giant who smelled fresh blood, Sonja is wearing old lady jammies, all twisted around, and her face is literally collapsed. She puts on enormous glasses and reads Luann’s text aloud in a theatrical voice. Then demands to see this basement. Another mansion, another house tour — except this one doesn’t have a bowling alley!

Still, Ramona’s basement is not too shabby as far as basements go. The women are shocked that Lu would complain about such accommodations – as if they don’t know Lu. Then mid-tour the phone rings and THE COUNTESS IS CALLING, Dahling!

Luann really needs to dedicate her next song to being a house guest. Also she could turn the stage of her cabaret show into replicas of various rooms she’s been forced to endure endure as a guest at her so-called friend’s houses.

TELL US – WAS LUANN OVER-REACTING TO THE BASEMENT OR IS RAMONA UNFATHOMABLY RUDE AND CLUELESS? IS SONJA AN EMBARRASSMENT OR IS RAMONA PUTTING ON AIRS?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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