Pro-Trump supporters rally at New York criminal court on April 4, 2023 during appearance by Former President Donald Trump Jr. Photo: Shutterstock
With the election barely 60 days away, now is the time to stock up on some high-quality Trump merch! Haha, that’s obviously a joke because most of it looks like low-quality garbage. But collectors of election memorabilia or racist keepsakes will surely treasure this collection of increasingly bizarre Trump merch.
Whether the MAGA chud in your life likes flags, sneakers, stickers, or virtual trading cards, this list of Trump merch will help them Make America Great Again… or something.
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TrumpStore.com
What better way to alarm others and proclaim your love of Trump and his cronies than with this now-iconic bit of Trump merch? This red hat is sure to make others wonder, “Wow, how racist are they, exactly?” And for balding MAGA maniacs, there’s also a visor version that’s topped by a Trump comb-over wig.
OfficialTrumpStore.com
U.S. flags are so 1777. Modernize your flagpole with a 2024 red, white, and blue featuring the surname of your “favorite” wannabe dictator! And for those who like a little irony in their Trump merch, some versions mention Jesus or the now-outdated phrase “Let’s Go Brandon,” back when Trump was still running against President Joe Biden.
Trump Sneaker Website
Hate all those pesky stars and stripes on the U.S. flag? These shiny gold high-top sneakers feature a modified U.S. flag with only three stripes and five stars — simple! At the low cost of $400, you can’t afford not to buy them.
OfficialTrump2024Store.com
Drink up some delicious liberal snowflake tears with this black mug. It’s also one of the only pieces of campaign merchandise that features the name of Trump’s running mate, Sen. J.D. Vance (R-OH). Of course, even Vance himself said that running mates don’t really matter… so maybe he doesn’t mind.
GodBlessTheUSABible.com
“Let’s Make America Pray Again” with this $60 Bible that smashes church and state together so close together that even Jesus himself would blush. The King James Bible contains a copy of the Declaration of Independence, the Pledge of Allegiance, and the first 10 amendments of the Constitution (though not the amendments that abolished slavery and granted women the right to vote).
CollectTrumpCards.com
If you’ve outgrown Pokemon and baseball cards — and don’t like the inconvenience of carrying around actual cards — you may love these completely virtual NFT cards that feature superheroic renderings of Trump wearing boxing gloves and literally holding onto a bolt of lightning. They’re only $99 each, though you could always just screenshot the ones above right now for free.
GetTrumpSneakers.com
Don’t be like those “suckers and losers” who pass out in the over 100-degree weather while waiting for Trump to show up at his latest outdoor rally. For a measly $399, you can get this 55-quart cooler with an idealized rendering of Trump pointing at you, his latest mark.
This Trump merch is advertised as “more than a fragrance … for the movers, the shakers, and the history makers.” There’s also a perfume for women that allegedly “captures the essence of feminine strength and elegance.” Sadly, the website selling them notes that the cologne’s gold-plated bottle and Trump-headed topper are shown for “illustration purposes only and may not be an exact representation of the product.” Sigh…
Trump Assassination T-Shirt
Amazon.com
Relive one of the most horrifying moments of this election cycle with a cotton t-shirt commemorating the moment that some right-wing weirdo tried to kill Trump but ended up only grazing his ear (and killing a firefighter) instead. At least Trump had the foresight to stand up and pump his fist for this now-iconic photo instead of immediately ducking for cover with Secret Service agents. This bit of Trump merch screams, “Someone tried to kill Trump and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”
OfficialTrump2024Store.com
If your house pet hates immigrants and transgender people as much as Trump does, you can dress them in a white hood… err, we mean hoodie. (Tiki torches not included.)
Walmart.com
Whoops! Come to think of it, maybe this “Trump for Prison 2024” sweatshirt isn’t actually the best Trump merch for supporting the former president, but it does mark his historic campaign as the first president ever convicted of criminal charges.
TrumpStore.com
Now you too can pretend like you’re playing Pickleball at Mar-a-Lago or Trump Tower with this $119 set of Pickleball gear. It also contains a carrying case and two balls filled with as many holes as Trump’s financial records.
Amazon.com
Trump is never one to forget the ladies (even though he continually alienates female voters and his own wife refuses to campaign alongside him.) This beach towel is perfect for covering up whenever an adjudicated sexual assaulter tries to grab you.
OfficialTrump2024Store.com
If Trump and the Terminator had a baby, the unfortunate child would probably grow up to look like these Trumpinator stickers. But while it might seem cool for Trump merch to depict him as the time-traveling child-stalking cyborg from the Terminator films, one should remember that the Terminator actually dies at the end of almost everyone.
For those who like repeatedly stepping on the U.S. flag, these Trump 2024 socks will let any 10-toed freedom fighter trample all over the stars and stripes with every step. Getting cold feet on voting for Trump? Not with this cottony Trump merch.
HamiltonCollection.com
Put a little bling in your swing with this gaudy bit of Trump merch featuring nine handcrafted charms… just don’t call them “good luck” charms.
OfficialTrump2024Store.com
Now bathtime can be wrath-time with these yellow rubber duckies of Trump. Just like his campaign, these will float lifelessly on the scummy surface of any swamp, and there are also versions of him making the possibly white supremacist “OK” symbol or holding a golden assault rifle — oh my.
OfficialTrump2024Store.com
Weirdly, this “authentic” $100 bill only costs $20 and features Trump’s face instead of Benjamin Franklin’s. Just like Trump, it offers nothing of value. This worthless bit of Trump merch can also be used to bilk lawyers, rally venue owners, or anyone you owe millions in court settlements.
Etsy.com
Nothing embodies the Trump campaign better than this figurine of the teeny man flipping the bird while using his trademark golden toilet. This Trump merch also captures the wattle hanging from his neck with unsettling accuracy.
Remember Big Mouth Billy Bass, the mounted singing fish that moves its tailfin and mouth? Well, now there’s a more politically divisive version of that kitschy item featuring a creepy fish-man hybrid of Trump. This disturbing piece of Trump merch makes a perfect Halloween gift for anyone with fishy tastes in home decor.
Trump merch isn’t just trash, it’s… okay, it’s just trash
Whether you’re considering grabbing some Trump merch as a gag gift or because you lost a bet to your local bigot, may we suggest giving your money to a transgender or immigrant charity instead?
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This article includes links that may result in a small affiliate share for purchased products, which helps support independent LGBTQ+ media.
