So how was your Vanderpump Rules party last night? Did you eat pasta? Slam some Pumptinis? Take some mushrooms with bae and watch the sunrise? There are truly no wrong answers. As long as you saw the episode and follow-up interview with Ariana Madix on Watch What Happens Live, you are welcome here.
Last week, Tom Sandoval was screaming at Ariana about how much he loves Beyoncé, and I yearn for that micro-level of delusion from him now. I can’t even believe how low this bar rat was willing to go to stay ignorant. The very fact that he’s still wandering the streets with that scraggly mouth merkin says enough. Where is the humanity?
The episode kicks off with a flashback to Scheana Shay and Raquel Leviss on Watch What Happens the night herstory changed forever. If you need a refresher, this is the same evening Tom and his karaoke side-show were performing. Ariana got ahold of his phone and found a lewd video of Tom and Raquel in the camera reel. In his confessional, Tom assures production he would “usually have deleted” such a thing.
Tom is worth nothing and he should know that deep in his soul
Sandoval is shuffling around the kitchen and groaning like someone who just wasted their mom’s retirement on fast fashion for gothic theater kids. He starts reading from his Rolodex of excuses for why he blew up Ari’s life. He claims he can’t apologize because every time he and Ariana talk about the affair, she gets angry. Can’t she practice some self-control?!
Tom’s other excuses include that he and Raquel didn’t have sex for a while after the first time. He says Raquel treats him with respect, and that she builds up his confidence when she lets him bang her in a parked vehicle like in Grease. He also says he wanted to end things two weeks ago, but was obligated to get back in Ariana’s bed when he felt bad later.
Ariana reminded Tom that she’s been repping for him since he was in skinny jeans and Jax Taylor’s asshole. She tells him he’s worth nothing, and she wants him to know that deep in his soul.
Girl power
Scheana and Katie Maloney come together at Ariana’s house. They haven’t seen each other since Katie’s Mexico vacation Scheana’s wedding. Ariana tells them everything about the FaceTime video, and says the affair started right after their girl’s trip and Charlotte’s death.
Scheana starts crying about the science behind acrylic talons and street fighting. Raquel is claiming Scheana punched her but that is physically impossible given the length of her nails. Katie reports that Tom Schwartz has been hinting at the affair since BravoCon in October. In solidarity, they all break the iconic wooden penis flute. This completes the feminist bonding ceremony of our ancestors.
And speaking of foremothers, in walks Kristen Doute. She prescribes Ariana water and electrolytes. They engage in some burning ritual using a BIC lighter on the patio. A modern rendition of the penis thing. The curse is lifted. Nature is healing before our eyes.
Ariana also pays a visit to Lisa Vanderpump. Lisa is simply floored to learn Raquel is so sneaky. How did Ken Todd’s informant miss this piping-hot tea? It’s unfathomable.
King James feasts
James Kennedy is adorably mourning the friendship he thought he had with Tom. He and Ally invite Lala Kent and Katie over to talk about everything. Lala is certain there have been other moments of infidelity. She knows how this goes, and she can see Tom is far too brazen to be a first-time offender. Then she mentioned some suspect behavior he was exhibiting with Billie Lee.
James takes it upon himself to call Raquel on speaker for everyone to hear. Raquel says she feels shitty, and confirms she and Sandoval aren’t an official couple. James casually asks what it’s like to lose everyone who’s ever liked her over Tom’s “smelly” middle-aged schlong. Raquel replied that it’s been eye-opening. James calls her dumb and congratulates her on being a complete failure before hanging up.
Schwartz
He gets no effort from me. This man is playing dead. After some goading, he eventually reveals to Katie that he knew about the one-night stand between Sandoval and Raquel over the summer. He then slithers out of the scene by claiming stress. Apparently, there are man-eating alligators in Florida now. Let’s all pray the triplets are keeping that shared cricket phone in one of their cargo pockets at all times.
When Sandoval and Schwartz meet up to talk about things, Sandoval begins sobbing like a child actor in the 80s. Schwartz tells him he’s upset. Their bar is getting terrible reviews on Yelp. Sandoval claims he just couldn’t tell Ariana about things earlier because he “had a vibe” she didn’t want to know about the affair between him and her best friend. Big Scooby-Doo energy.
Sandoval then started pacing around talking about how he’s been reduced to playing with himself in the bathroom because of Ariana’s standards for intimacy. He also claimed that if Ariana really wanted to know what he was up to all those nights he didn’t come home, she could have just stalked him down. We get it. You’re into horny stalkers. Taylorarmstrongenough.gif
Later, Schwartz joins Ariana for a sit-down talk. He tells her that he feels Sandoval has exploited his kindness. He feels devastated that he is being painted as a co-conspirator in all of this, and he’s sorry. Ariana told him plainly that she will not be friends with anyone who is mutual friends with Tom. She starts sobbing, and Schwartz just stares off. He’s thinking about those damn crocodiles again.
Beatnik era
Tom and Raquel start their scene together with a shot of brown liquor. This scene gave big Celeb Rehab energy. It had a darkness to it that I can’t articulate, but I just know Tom smelled like cigarettes here. And then he accidentally called Raquel “Ariana.” BLEAK.
We learned that Raquel’s mom hates Tom. Tom refuses to talk about his family, and Raquel seems to stumble on her lines when she remembers. He saves the moment by telling her he loves her and doing that rom-com head cradle thing with his hands. Raquel’s excuse for all of this is that she just wanted to know what it would be like to be physical with someone she loves (in the back of a car). She’s all alone now. She only has Tom, her parents, and her sister.
Later, Tom visits LVP. He does a little panic attack thingy, and she tells him he’s not a bad person while chastising his behavior.
Sandoval’s dismissal
It’s real when the founding mistress of Vanderpump Rules says it. And Scheana made herself quite clear. I believe this could really be the end for Sandoval on the show. On the night of his Tom Tom show and Scheana’s brawl with Raquel in New York, Tom said some irreversible things to Shi-shu.
The final scene of the show is Tom paying a visit to Scheana’s house to tell her all about his new fling and “spiritual awakening.” Scheana reminded him that she knew about Miami girl, and suspects there have been other instances of infidelity. Tom admits that he has cheated on Ariana another time, and it was with someone from their circle (per Ariana on WWHL following this episode). Scheana tells Tom they’re no longer friends and he deserves no friends at all. ~fin~
The Vanderpump Rules Season 10 three-part reunion starts Wednesday, May 24 at 9/8c on Bravo. An extended edition will stream after the episode airs on Peacock.
TELL US – DO YOU THINK TOM HAS ONLY CHEATED ON ARIANA THREE TIMES? DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE LVP WAS SURPRISED BY THE NEWS OF THE AFFAIR? WILL THIS BRING ALL THE ORIGINAL WOMEN BACK TOGETHER?