There is nothing in this world I love more than “The Real Housewives” and injectables.
So when I tell you that my recent appointment with “Orange County” star and cosmetic MD Dr. Jen Armstrong was the greatest experience of my life, that is not hyperbole.
I arrived to the Bravolebrity’s Newport Beach practice excited for jawline filler and eager to leave Armstrong MD with the #JawByJen I’d been dreaming about. She’s made some pretty good-looking industry pals of mine impossibly handsome, so I was pumped for my own chiseled profile.
But wait. It wasn’t just my jawline that needed help.
Dr. Jen wasted no time pointing out other parts of my face that could use a jab or two (or 10). My undereye bags, deep pores, acne scars, “11” lines and asymmetrical eyebrows weren’t going to disappear on their own!
As our beloved “Atlanta” queen Shereé Whitfield would say, it was time for the doc to “fix that face” … my face.
One might feel deflated after having their appearance gently dragged by a “Real Housewife.” However, for me — a man who will literally walk into any strip mall med spa I see with a Groupon and a prayer — I practically burst with joy knowing that someone as experienced as Dr. Jen would be putting a plan in place to erase my insecurities.
My prescription included jawline filler (obviously), undereye filler, filler to plump up pores and a laser treatment to further minimize those pores, correct hyperpigmentation and prevent pre-cancers — the latter treatment a godsend for this former tanning bed addict.
Dr. Jen also threw in Jeuveau, a neurotoxin akin to Botox, to efface those godforsaken 11s and even out my brows.
It sounds like a lot, but Dr. Jen’s packed resume put me at ease.
Before providing countless beauty-obsessed Southern California residents with her magic touch, she treated trauma patients as a physician and even led an award-winning study on how to measure cyanide poisoning in the event of mass casualty. (Yes, you read that correctly.)
If Dr. Jen could handle biochemical warfare, then I figured my face was in good hands. Her warm disposition, disarming jokes and commitment to a natural look also assured me that I had found my injectables sherpa, leading me to my aesthetic goals.
“My patients know who they’re coming to. You’re always going to leave my office looking refreshed, never overdone,” she told me, which was music to my ears.
“If you want that look, I’m sure there is a doctor down the road who can help you out. But those big balloon lips? Not my thing.”
Speaking of lips, mine were apparently busted. I regret to tell you that part of my visit to Armstrong MD played out like a mini episode of “Botched.” Again, Dr. Jen to the rescue!
“It’s a little uneven,” she said, pointing to my leftover lip filler from the aforementioned strip mall med spa. “This side is bigger than this side.”
Clocked.
“I can’t handle this lip!” Dr. Jen continued, her mouth agape as she examined two lumps of Juvederm that my previous injector referred to as “sexy little pillows.”
These “pillows” produced a nightmare pout that she felt compelled to put to rest (for good) with some fast-acting dissolver.
“This was necessary. This was basically a trip to the ER,” I told Dr. Jen, who admitted, “This is like the cosmetic ER.”
Now, with my wonky lips and brows adjusted, jawline angulated to perfection, skin — and, most importantly, confidence — restored, it’s clear that I should have called “9-1-1” sooner.
Dr. Jen’s “RHOC” Season 16 tagline couldn’t be more accurate: the jabs she gives really are the best.
“The Real Housewives of Orange County” airs Wednesdays at 9 p.m. ET on Bravo.