“I’m really looking forward to getting to know Dale better.”
This is maybe not the attitude to have when dating 23 different guys. But on week two of “The Bachelorette,” leading lady Clare Crawley continued to have nothing but tunnel vision for her frontrunner (and the man she reportedly leaves the show for), Dale Moss.
The dates kicked off, and things got physical fast. Clare got handsy and pants were dropped. Bare butts were out and about.
She did make an honest effort to play the part and get to know some of the other guys. But tonight just confirmed that we all know where this is going, no matter how the producers try to trick us. I only hope I get invited to Clare and Dale’s wedding after this game of charades.
The first group date
Host Chris Harrison dropped off a date card for Riley, Jordan, Yosef, Ivan, Ben, Bennett, Zac C., Zack J. and Dale. “I’m looking for a guy who speaks to my heart,” it read. It was a love language-themed date (but this is “The Bachelorette,” so acts of service were omitted).
First were words of affirmation: Clare, 39, posed in a Juliet-style tower as the men devoted monologues to her. Next, gifts. Then, touch. Clare was blindfolded as she got to feel up each of the guys as they breathed on her neck, carefully avoiding all the network TV-inappropriate parts.
But there was trouble in paradise: none of the men wanted to pull Clare aside to get to know her for “quality time.” After Bennett finally asked for a chat, she returned to the bros to let them know she was hurt. “Does anyone want to hang out with me?” she yelled. While others found the outburst empowering, Yosef (you may remember him from last week’s drama) found it to be “immature.” Don’t you just love a little foreshadowing?
Dale and Clare admitted they have “feelings” for each other. But in a clear attempt to throw us off the scent, Riley, 30, got the date rose.
The one-on-one
Before the rendezvous, Clare asked Jason, 31, to write a letter to his younger self. Together, they screamed into the night to purge their past trauma. Then they read aloud the negative words others had called them. But instead of throwing the terms into the fire, they threw them against some rocks?
Like Dale, Jason, a Virginian, was also formerly in the NFL. The girl has a type. For his vulnerability, Clare awarded him a rose and a kiss.
The second group date
Cue the ball jokes. When you can’t leave the resort, you play strip dodgeball, apparently. The guys were split into two teams. The losers lost their clothes, the winners got an after-party with Clare.
“I wanted to see if they got it in them,” said Clare, as the unsuccessful blue team peeled off their jockstraps and displayed their, uh, team members to her.
Blake Moynes, who got the first kiss last week but lost the game, threw a wrench in the winners’ date (Yes, this is a “Dodgeball” reference. RIP Rip Torn). “I wanted to show her I have balls,” he reasoned while crashing the date — clothed, at this point. Clare dodged a kiss from him and kicked him off the court. But later, at the cocktail party, she awarded him a rose for his bravery.
During his sit down, Brandon, 28, said he wanted to be on the show because Clare was the Bachelorette . . . though he couldn’t explain a single reason why. Buh-bye! She sent him home on the spot.
Chasen took home the group date rose.
The cocktail party
Kinky Clare blindfolded Dale as a “gift.” His present? Lots and lots of tongue.
The rose ceremony
. . . didn’t happen. The episode cut off before the roses could be handed out, and before Yosef could confront Clare for being “the oldest Bachelorette in history,” yet also incredibly immature.
Prediction
Next week will start off at what should have been this week’s climax, angry Yosef calling out Clare. She’ll give her #GirlBoss speech, and send him straight home. Unable to deny their clear sexual tension, the rest of the men will then turn on Dale.